stumbling: to discover or meet with accidentally or unexpectedly

you see
I wish to stumble upon my inner wise woman. to be really comfortable with my own self.. sometimes I am.. sometimes I'm not.. I stumble.. and if I fall.. I get up.. and stumble some more..
[not even sure if this is remotely considered stumbling towards ecstasy.. but when I looked up tonight and saw St. Rita.. I knew I had to put her here tonight..why? Patron Saint of impossible cases]
my son has gone home and I am sad.

oh the little red dress..

sorting things in my mind from my childhood..
healing the past or rather embracing the past
so it no longer haunts me....
so many memories coming up ~ healing memories..
the little red dress..


memories of me
dressed in the most divine red velvet dress,
just above the knee.
black patent shoes and white socks.
thinking I was a princess.
feeling special. loving myself.
how long ago was that? about 4 years of age..


then it went missing..
given away by my mother
to someone who needed it more than me.
my four year old heart was broken.


I have searched op shops & vintage clothing boutiques for my little red velvet dress..

but being inspired by a very good blogging friend and soul artist, I began to create the red dress in art.. Colette encouraged and helping me to stumble towards ecstasy.. towards my heart & soul being mended.


[a work in progress.. do I add to it or no? I will sit and look for awhile.. there is no hurry..]
and as I sit and ponder.. I will continue to stumble towards ecstasy

a summer's day

i thought i would take you on a wander through my garden.. always, for me, a stumble towards ecstasy.

sage: four of five leaves a day help with hot flushes. either in cooking or make an infusion.

oregano planted for pizzas and italian dishes

lemon balm or melissa ~ to calm the nerves, to help with body heat & also for melancholy. a cup of lemon balm tea after each meal helps with digestion

garlic was planted at winter solstice and harvested just now ~ hanging to dry and will be used all year round

dandelion for water retention.. and lemon thyme for moroccan dishes

basil ~ oh the delights of basil.. is there nothing more summery than the fragrance of freshly picked basil?
yesterday, I took a small basket of produce to a friend.. eggs, newly dug potatoes, tomatoes, garlic and capsicums.. & a sprig of lemon thyme ~ she is amazed at how well the garden is producing in such a short time.. but the hens are happy and you know how much work i put into the soil when i first moved in. worms are in abundance now at Villa Maria..

as I sat outside today - sipping on a glass of lemon balm water.. dragonflys flittered to and fro .. the garden is going wild at the moment with the abundant rain and heat..

the swamp gum ~ full of blossom at the moment.. and although small ~ full of honey

later in the afternoon, we set up a little table in our courtyard.. candles, a glass of wine and ordered home delivered pizza.. & sat outside under the moon ~

welsh onions grow sturdily along side mini capsicums.. sweet, sweet ~ perfect for pizza and salads
to top my day off I received an email from my friend thanking me for the gift from my garden: I’ve already made a hole in your precious produce. 4 little potatoes for dinner, sampled the ‘burst-in-the-mouth’ tomatoes and lemon thyme was chopped into the chickpea tagine...yum! Forever grateful for your wonderful sharing. Bless you Sweet Angel 0:-)

other little things I have enjoyed this week: a large jug of water flavoured with a sprig or two of mint. 3 large gardenias from a friends garden. a lovely head massage & playing with my grandsons.

and more ecstasy here: join in ! with Rebecca

facing a fear & little rituals - helping me to stumble towards ecstasy

I grew up in a family of 'what ifs'.. and the what ifs were not positive.. they were mostly negative.. instilling the fear of life into me..

sometimes even now as an adult.. this fear creeps up on me like a shadow in the night.. lately it has been the fear of loss.. losing my darling dutch husband.. to death or some other such catastrophe .. my mind gallops away before I have a chance to harness it, going places that are really not rational at all and I feel this gut wrenching loss - deep in my solar plexus.. what will I do if he dies before me? leaving me adrift in a sea of loneliness..

the adult self knows these are only fantasies of the mind and actually are quite silly.. but inside there is a well of this fear.. I was not going to post about my fears.. but, surely I am not alone in this galloping of the mind into the future of what ifs?..

this fear makes up quite a big percentage of my dark nights of my soul

..then, something pulls me up.. bringing me back to the present moment. to being, In this body. encouraging me to nurture myself in my fear..

take a bath[I hear whispered in my soul] - a few petals scattered .. some essential oils to soothe the fear....

There must be quite a few things that a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them.
[Sylvia Plath]


light a candle - bringing light into my world


a cup of tea in a still moment - brings me back to the present moment of being un-hurried
are these little rituals,
my way of,
stumbling towards ecstasy?

other daily rituals that help: cool still water.. organic fresh fruit juice.. almonds..

do you have any little rituals that help you come back to who you are? that help you be in the present moment?

breathing in those little moments

[therefore be at Peace with God. whatever you conceive Him to be]
stumbling towards ecstasy? i always seem to be stumbling.. or rather tripping on the path towards something.. I found this on Rebecca's blog today - her entry for the weekly 'Stumbling towards Ecstasy'

don't bend,

don't water it down,

don't try to make it logical,

don't edit your own

soul according to the fashion.

rather,

follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.

franz kafka
I hide & edit my soul mostly. in fear of what? not being accepted for who I am? or hiding them to fit into who people think I am or should be.. maybe I even edit my soul to suit myself sometimes...the words spoke to me..
it is ok to be you.. let your inner obsessions fly!

sitting in Mass yesterday - I heard the words..
'across the ages, we are linked with the Magi. this link reaches over generations..from those Wise Men to us.. WE are all seekers, searchers.'
the Priest knew what I needed. I wanted to drown in his words. absorb them up like a sponge, into my very being. I felt a belonging, a link to all that Is.

welcoming a new day - opening my heart and breathing in. ~ Ruach ~ playing gently with my hair.. the perfume of soil, damp from overnight rain [you know, that earthy, fertile smell.].. & kookaburras quietly cackling in nearby trees.. be still & know that I am God.

other little moments this week?

[celebrating my 53yrs of life]
sitting out under an old oak tree on New Years night.. being served dinner.. and even though, I have never been there,.. I felt like I could have been in France