Friday, August 13, 2010

the first family memory at Villa Maria.. & how I am

sitting here, reading comments as they come in.. some wondering how i am doing, i have forced myself to sit and post..
I am not doing that well. I have a deep sadness or melancholy around me at the moment. Like I am displaced. I feel as if I don't belong. that I am scattered.
I don't regret for one minute moving from Inglewood. I still love Villa Maria.. but I feel as if I am out of body.
I have not meditated since I moved in or journaled. I know I must, but I can't. I haven't even lit candles on my altar.. something I did religiously every single day when I lived in Woodford.

we live in chaos.

no stove or heating except for small column heaters that dot the house. we are waiting on natural gas to be connected and our stove is coming from England and won't be here til September. Eating out has become a chore. I crave for a home cooked meal.. that is easy to prepare.. yes, I am cooking sometimes in the slow cooker.. but have no facility to boil rice or steam vegies.

small peanuts compared to some others in the world. but this is my world.. and right now, i feel lost and displaced. scattered. I am tired of putting on a happy face for everyone.. when all I want to do is sob. but I can't sob, because then people will think I regret moving and I don't. no. I just cannot put my finger on this.....

our first family memory was made at Villa Maria last weekend, with the celebration of our youngest daughters 21st..
[her birthday 'cake' was a tower of cup cakes or patty cakes as we call them here]
a lovely champagne brunch with friends and family at the Ori cafe, a favourite of ours. Sophie has now gone on a weeks holiday to Queensland and then is off to Holland in September for 10 days. she has growing up so fast, [it is like just yesterday that I woke to see her little head ensconced in a very brightly striped beanie..] and I think this also contributes to my melancholy..

so many changes in such a short time..

what else?.. dutch husband and I have booked ourselves a short break away to Uluru and the Olgas .. sacred places of our indigenous people. i am so looking forward to this.. and we are in the beginning stages of organising a trip to America next year to ride part of route 66


Imogen said...

Miss Robyn, dear woman, you sound so tired and drained, my heart goes out to you. This too shall pass, as you too know, but at the moment, being in the middle of it and so drained of energy, you must feel utterly overwhelmed sometimes. I expect it is partly simple exhaustion, partly the depressing effect of living in chaos and not having a proper stove (O nightmare! - you poor thing!), and partly the emotional and spiritual dislocation of leaving a long-loved home. That doesn't mean you haven't made a good move, it doesn't mean you don't love your new place with all its beauties and potentials and spaces to grow into. Just like the fact that you have loved raising your children and being a loving mother, and you miss them painfully when they grow up and move out and move on, does not mean you don't want them to move on and have their own lives too. You regret the passing of their childhood even as you love seeing them become adults, and in the same way you regret losing Inglewood at the same time as knowing you have a wonderful new home to begin again in now. It's perfectly possible and indeed healthy for regret about the past and things that have changed to co-exist with an embracing of the future.
Sorry - I'm preaching, aren't I? Sitting in west London and thinking "Thank the gods I don't need to move again at the moment", because your post brings back the exhaustion and the discombobulation and the anomie so vividly it is scary.
I will be thinking of you and praying for you. You will give yourself the time you need, because you are a wise woman, and this ghastly, draining time will pass. And you can always sob aetherically online, because everyone here is with you and for you, and I'm sure they/we all understand and sympathise, and no-one will lecture you.
Take care.
Blessed be.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Chaotic surroundings throw me off too. But you'll settle in to Villa Maria eventually! And then a more serene existence will be yours again. (Your upcoming trip and your Rte 66 trip sound wonderful!)

Anonymous said...

Hi Robyn,
First congratulations with your daughter. She's coming to The Netherlands ?? That is great !!
I can understand you feel a bit lost. Everything has to become a bit more normal again and the fact that you can't do some of the simple home things like cooking also contributes to that. I hope life will become more normal for you soon !!
Have a great weekend.

mxtodis123 said...

I'm glad to hear from you...and so glad to hear you're making some time to get away. Moving takes so much out of you...physically, mentally, and spiritually.

Fire Byrd said...

I'm sorryto hear your sad Robyn, hopefully your break will get you in touch with your inner self.
Don'tforget that moving house is third after death and divorce on the stress/trauma list.
So give yourself a break, you have been travelling very fast for a long time now, and it was bound to catch up with you.
So take care of you my friend.
Do love the quote from CS Lewis, sums it up somehow.

gemma said...

Dearest Robyn. Did not realize you were having such a hard time. I imagined you joyfully going about your home making. All shall be well yes it light with a heart around it.
We are just down the road a bit from Rte.66.
Will meet you with my bells on.

Suzie Ridler said...

That is a huge displacement and hardship, especially during your winter. I seriously suggest getting a rice cooker, figure if you can use a crockpot right now you could use a rice cooker too which would help your food situation. When I moved out west there were weeks before I was convinced that I was alive. A part of me thought I was a ghost, we had no telephone, computer, TV for a month and everyone in our neighbourhood only spoke Chinese so it was like we didn't exist. I know this feeling you are going through, you will come back down to earth so don't be scared. In a weird way, this is totally normal.

Kathryn said...

It will take a while to establish the new routines that tend to anchor your life so that you feel a sense of belonging. I have been here since July,and am still unpacking the boxes and trying to find things again. I am inventing new ways to do things. I actually threw some pots yesterday! It will all settle down little by little be patient and breathe!

judie said...

I think you are an orderly person and this chaos is affecting you. When you restore order you will be happy again. Meanwhile, enjoy your trip, and look forward to the wonderful times ahead at Villa Maria.

"She seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if she had surprised a butterfly in the Winter woods"
(edith wharton)