Sunday, July 31, 2011

who am i? & a slight change in plans - further on from my last post

you all know the story..but this is a question that i have been asking myself alot lately. being a wife and mother at such a young age - my home and family became my career. i loved it. I relished in it. i baked and cleaned with such happiness. gardening then came into the picture and i extended my life out into the yard. growing and sharing my produce. creating meals from the abundance of my garden. cooking cakes for afternoon teas when friends and family would drop by. family celebrations were a collection of noise and cheerfulness. laughter rang through my home. one by one my grand babies started to arrive.. I embraced this part of my life with such joy. I had my soul mate, my children and grandchildren around me..

and as you know from the last post - it seems to me that this is just all crumbling down around me.. I am sitting in the middle seeing it all scatter and there is nothing i can do - so I am beginning to wonder who I am.. I don't have any real outside interests that I am passionate about. now I know why so many older women take up lawn bowls.

also, the fact that my eldest daughter Louisa and her husband are moving away. soon.
at the moment they live just around the corner and I see my gorgeous grandsons, Harry and Charlie at least 3 or 4 times a week. it breaks my heart that this will no longer happen. I won't be able to just pop around for a cup of tea and play with them. I was at both their births and I am very bonded to the little boys. I love them to bits. I just keep crying and crying over this.

yes, we could move up to where they are going - but it is quite hot & humid and I know that this would do my head in over time. I do love the 4 seasons we get here in the mountains.

I grew up with my grandparents close by until they died. my own children have had the same.. and my grandsons are not going to have that. this makes me so sad. However, I know that they have dreams and plans and I do wish them well with all my heart. as hard as this is.
because part of me wants to scream 'please don't go'

also, thinking of moving from the mountains actually sent me into a real panic attack - I am a mountains girl. I love the beach, but the mountains is where my heart is.

Joe and i have sat and talked about what we were planning. it hit us both that we were moving from our much loved mountains - why?

we do not like Springwood at all & we still want to move away from this town. the energy is very odd here in this town. it has a kind of foreboding energy about it. neighbours don't wave. people walk past with their heads down. I do believe this could be an ancient energy. whatever it is, it makes me very uncomfortable and yes, sad..

so we have decided to move further up the mountains - close to where i can sit on a rock and look over the ancient land, where I walk and feel like I am home
oh yes, it will still be cold but the cold up there is welcoming - not like here where it seeps into my bones. a dead, dead cold.
it IS colder up the top of the mountain - but it is a vibrant cold. brings me alive! the community is vibrant and alternate and when I go there to shop, I feel embraced by the energy of it all. I feel part of it. sad thing is though - that we wanted to move there in the first place and decided on Springwood because our children lived there and they wanted us to be closer. a big lesson learned: don't make decisions on other peoples wishes!

my life is changing in huge, huge ways & as always happens - things will work out. they always do. it is patience that I have to learn. I also have to honour myself.. as a friend said to me: "Who are you? You are yourself - honour that" [but do you know, that I just don't know how to do that anymore]

(part of me wants to apologize for writing the past few posts, exposing my emotions but this is a journal of my thoughts - and these are my thoughts right now. I am sorry, i do tend to pour my heart out when I blog. too raw & open for some..)

Friday, July 29, 2011

sea changes

was it an omen when I changed my blog name a week or so ago?

life has been a whirlwind for me the past two years. I had a beautiful life for 12 years in a home that I loved, a garden that I adored, a family that seemed so settled. full of love. I had a vision of my future, growing old in the family home with my dear Joe, surrounded by children and grandchildren. tending my garden. living to a ripe old age. just like my own childhood had been. my grandchildren would come to visit and stay over. I would cook cakes and other treats for friends and family visits. I would wear a vintage apron and have a twinkle in my eye and a grey bun ontop of my head.

then a bomb was dropped into the nucleus of my family - in the way of my son & his wife separating [and consequently divorcing]
two of my grandsons became estranged. where i had them twice a week - I now see them hardly ever.

my son moved 12 hours away - to heal. mentally and emotionally.
a breast lump
death of my step father which culminated in moving my mother near to us into aged care.
my eldest daughter announcing that she and her beautiful family are moving north...

all this ended up in what I call my mini breakdown.
Joe & I deciding to sell and move from our home of 12 years, Inglewood.
then renovating and then moving into our new home Villa Maria. phew - I need a breath!

I have been living under a heavy dark cloud the past year. like I was carrying a huge weight on my shoulders. .. a straw broke my back in the way of a very bad cold this past week & the fact that my daughter has decided to move NOW. I cried and cried. Joe held me as I sobbed. sorting out how I felt through my emotions. we talked and talked.

which has led to the decision, the big decision. to sell Villa Maria and move north. to the beach. to the warmth. buying something so much different to what we have here. smaller.

a place where I can still have a garden albeit small...a place near to the beach.

and as well - we have bought a Winnebago and are going to travel around Australia.

and you know? the weight has gone. I feel lighter. as if something huge has shifted... I have faced my fear of telling my mother we are moving away. I have found courage. the courage to be who I am. I feel like sewing again. I feel hope.

from my journal writings:
I have been in fear of change. of losing control. i am in shock but not at all sad. there is so much going on in my mind at the moment. like where I am going to end up. I have been very sick too. and am still not better. I had a stress test last week for my heart and am waiting the results. I hope and pray they are good. I know my lipoprotein a level is up and that is a big concern. this is where I get confused. do I take the medication that 'can' cause cancer but will help my levels or do I try to lower it with herbs and healthy eating. I wish I had an advisor who would make these decisions for me and a crystal ball to tell me the future

Monday, July 25, 2011

I have been quite sick the past week.
the dreaded winter illness finally caught up with me &
[that is why I have not been here or to visit elsewhere]
at times I have been delirious - coupled with the sadness that has enveloped me
- I have spent much time in bed. being nursed by my sweet Joe. I am blessed, truly, I am.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

my boy & stuff

on the weekend, I flew down to see my only son. He is happy. very happy & he looks healthy too. I have not seen him look so well in years & years.
I was so looking forward to the trip - to see him again - but it was such a short visit and it has left me with a huge hole in my heart. I just feel like sobbing. I know that i am supposed to let my babies fly - I know, I know. but I miss having him near. I feel like curling up in a little ball and just letting the tears fall.. but I don't. I try to act like the adult, the mature woman that I am.. instead of the lost little girl that I feel like.

I don't know what is the matter with me. am I manic depressive? am I suffering from empty nest syndrome? Joe retired last year and we moved - so many life changing things in such a short period of time. I feel so lost. I cannot for the life of me create a thing. I want to.. but don't know where to start. I cannot even force myself out into the garden. I don't walk nor do I feel connected to Mother Earth one little bit. the woman who looks back at me in the mirror is a stranger. these words are spilling from my heart - not looking for sympathy but just to get them out in a hope that maybe one person will say 'yep, I know exactly how you feel.. and hey, you are ok'......

Friday, July 8, 2011

celebrating 60years ~ Happy birthday Joe

today. Joe turns 60. the man who God sent to me. one who supports my journey, encourages me and has the patience of a saint.

last saturday night - I gave him a suprise party with a few close friends. it was tricky organising it and keeping it secret. but I did and he was surprised. all orange and black - the colour of Harley Davidsons [one of his loves].. cupcakes & balloons.

I don't think there is one person in the whole world who is not touched by this mans kindness. he has a heart of gold.

I. Love. Him. so very much.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

making peace

I took a walk outside this morning. windy. actually very windy. once upon a time in our backyard there must have been a big tree. all that is left is a stump and each winter, [well, the two winters that I have been here] these little snow drops pop up.. and I saw the stump where Joe has started to try to dig it out. a heart. !! all is well in my world here at Villa Maria. the stump will stay just as it is.. maybe with some intitials carved into it.
I have never visited the Kimberleys.. all I know is it is up the top of west Australia. an ancient, ancient area.. where powerful Ley lines run.. ley lines that actually run through where I live.. connected to Glastonbury. It is a similar place I believe to Uluru and Kata Tjuta where I visited last year.

Red. Wise. Ancient. energies.

it is along way from where I live - not much I can do physically.
it would be easy for me to slip into despondency and helplessness..
I can't go to protest although I would love to.
But I can send healing to Mother Earth once again.. join me
I can create a peace flag. I have an idea using wax, fabric and natural dyes.. just an idea but

from little things, big things grow...

Saturday, July 2, 2011

I am a school girl dropout

last week was a whirlwind affair for me. I woke on Monday morning.. [as you know from my previous post] and that afternoon I was enrolled in college. previously I had enquired about weekend workshops about shamanic masks & art therapy - the college called and offered me a place in a two year part time Diploma of Art Therapy. I had all manner of excuses why I couldn't do it.. but they dissolved, I signed the papers and proceeded to write a 600 word essay about myself.
Day one dawned yesterday, my bag packed and excitement hitting overflowing point, I drove the hour to the college.
we sat in circle, introduced ourselves and proceeded to discuss 'consciousness' - that is when I realised that this course was not for me. their 'ethos' did not match alot of mine... that is when I realised that I am totally and 100% committed to healing Earth. that is when it was mentioned or referred to that we are separate from Earth. huh ???? and Angels were passed off as airy-fairy... that is when I realised that I want to meditate and do stuff like yoga - just for me. to bring my vibrational level into the same as Gaia. that is when I realized that we are in a special time & we need to be ONE.

the day went on and I became overburdened with information til my head felt like it was splitting in two. then I had to face over an hours drive home in full peak hour traffic.
tears spilled as I drove the roads back home. just wanting to be in my safe little home of Villa Maria...
so here I am.. a school girl dropout at age 53. and damn happy about that too!

fun, tattered jeans and peace is all I want from life.. is that too little to ask?
"She seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if she had surprised a butterfly in the Winter woods"
(edith wharton)