Thursday, May 26, 2011

yes. I am still here. just.


the past weeks have been very difficult for me in various ways. not earth shattering sorrows. but just generally feeling 'down in the dumps' as my grandmother would say.

I have been feeling lost & so lonely even when surrounded by a room full of people. even when sitting on the lounge with Joe. I feel alone.
then again, I don't feel as if I am home - I feel like I am marking time, Villa Maria.. does not feel like home. I know I am expecting too much in such a short time, it is not even a year since we moved. I also know that I have made the right decision in moving.. for whatever reason it is. and I still don't have a clue as to what that is.
somedays I just lie in my room on the cane lounge, snuggling under one of my old quilts and look out the window at the cold trees. the sun does not have warmth in it. I know it is winter.. but down here in Springwood the cold is bone chilling.. where as up in Woodford was a brisk cold, made me feel like I was alive & I would run out into the garden every day. here, I cannot even face the garden right now.

so. I thought I would jump into blogging again..or rather - take a few online workshops to get me out of this funk.

Wishcasting.this weeks prompt from Jamie is "What do you wish for your health?"perfect! because my slump/depression/melancholy/sadness.. [whatever I wish to call it..], began a few weeks ago when I found out that i had low vitamin D & high lipoprotein levels in my blood. and am now on a very low carb/no sugar eating plan.
and struggling, because I love cake

so what do i wish for my health?
I wish that the food that I take into my body is used to nourish body, mind and spirit. that my adrenal glands, thyroid & liver are all working perfectly - together. doing the work that they are meant to do. lowering cholesterol & boosting my immune system. my liver filters the toxins from daily living. my hormonal system is 100% balanced.. and as my body begins to heal itself, I find that my own self becomes joyful.

today I grab my camera and take a picture of me..

and of course doctored it - but I still look at myself and well, truthfully, i judge myself harshly. I don't like my nose. my teeth are crooked. and of course, now I have a wrinkly neck. working on loving self.. difficult.

Photobucket

I also joined you are your own muse - with Vivienne McMaster - just two days ago.. a self portrait e-course adventure.. I am looking forward to this adventure.. learning how to use my new camera and playing. fun!

so there you go - other things have been happening too... lots to tell.. just gotta get out of this funk.

24 comments:

Debra She Who Seeks said...

I hope your mood lifts soon and you find joy or at least quiet pleasure.

foxysue said...

Hi Robyn,

I just woke up and as usual I have to have a look at who has posted. So glad you did, I can identify with everything you have said, you are not alone with these feelings! I'm going to get my cuppa tea right now but will return!

Love Sue x

Pam said...

I missed you!!! So glad you're back! Looking forward to "lots to tell", and hope you feel better soon. xxx

Monique @ Simple Abundance said...

Hi Robyn,
I hope you will be feeling more "up" soon.
It's great you have taken it all in your own hands, trying to change the way you feel.
I think you will have to give Villa Maria time to let you feel at home. Sometimes it just takes longer. Not forgetting it is Winter where you live right now. The season when a lot of people can't see the Sun shining literally and figuratively ; )
I'm thinking of you ( eventhough it's nearly Summer here, I too feel not myself, but that is a peri-menopausal thing ).
Have a great day.

rebecca said...

my darling friend,

i appreciate the daunting effort of extracting yourself from the "deep". there are seasons in life when we are turned inward...and it seems not even love will lead us out. yet we must never underestimate the power of connecting to something greater then ourselves. i love that you are doing just this. tying your heart to the highest branches and allowing those connections of creativity and vision to pull you back into the light of self actualization.
today i am holding you in comfort and believing in your return to wholeness.

just writing honestly, looking honestly begins your return. and now we, your friends will take great care in seeing you, hearing you. this simple act of acknowledgement is like carrying water. spiritual water to nurture your soul.

i see you, i hear you, i love you.

Suzie Ridler said...

Oh Robyn, I know that feeling. Of everything not being quite right and the space you're in, the wrong fit. I do hope that things improve and that you do manage to find a sense of home. At the very least in your kitchen, like I do. Good for you for getting back into Wishcasting and starting Sparkles. You are a creative Goddess!

As you wish for your health, I wish for you also my friend.

Sandy VanNocker said...

As you wish for yourself, so I wish for you!

I just finished Vivienne's Wading In...she rocks! I only wish I could have fit in YAYOM too. Next time! Enjoy!!

mxtodis123 said...

I'm sorry you have been feeling so down in the dumps and hope that your mood lifts soon. I'm possibly looking at two moves here...definitely my job and the other, possibly my home. Not looking forward to either. Change is never easy, my friend, but the growth that comes from it is worth it.
Mary

spirit said...

I can totally empathise with you grandma's words...often through my life i have felt lonely,even in the midst of family and friends. i too hope your mood lifts, and you have no need to be self critical you are a beautiful looking lady...though i know that self love can be the hardest of all...snuggling under your quilt is good. sue x

deb did it said...

you will love the e-course with Viv....and oh how I love Wishcasting.....I wish for YOU the very same you wish for yourself...and continue to nurture your body, mind, creative soul and spirit

reikiflower said...

you are just ... i think i love you :) i send you waves of reiki and pixies carrying whatever it takes to release your dis-ease. peace dear one.

as you wish i shall wish for you also <3 g!

Fire Byrd said...

Why are your feet so bruised?
It's funny I haven't had time to blog recently except in posting photos. And then blogger played up so I was thinking f**k it. But I was also thinking it doesn't matter if I don't blog all the time, cause the friends I have here don't need me to do that.They do need me to care about them and when I have time write to them. And that is the difficulty, time! Today I should be preparing spreadsheets for the tax man. And decided that I must catch up here first. Glad I did cause I've been thinking about you and hoping you were okay and missing contact with each other. So just know that even though I've no time to write I do have time to think and to send you healing thoughts across the sparkling blue ocean attached to a warm sunbeam straight to you.
love
xx

Ruth said...

Glad to see you back Robyn - I'm back too! Whew, this has been a weird time!

rochambeau said...

Dear Robyn,
I come by way of Rebecca.
Like you, I have felt the desolation of moving many times in my life.
For you, I wish everything that you wish for yourself!

xox
Constance

rebecca said...

thank you for your lovely visits...i have missed the divine Miss R so!

Crystalrainbow said...

Hi Sweetheart (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) i really do hope your mood lifts soon and the vitamin d will help :) the sunshine drug..... be kind to yourself and try to embrace the cold dark months as a nurturing time for yourself xxxxxxxxxx big hugs x x x

gemma said...

I have missed your visits as well dearest Robyn.
As always I hold you in my heart and want you to know you are loved.

deb did it said...

Robyn...keep us posted about your journey with Viv....I hope you love it as much as I did!!

laoi gaul~williams said...

oh robyn i hope you are feeling less down in the dumps.
you know i still feel my home is not 'right', i feel settled, and really have little options about moving, and i love where i live...its just the inside (as opposed to my lovely garden :) )is not right!
i keep meaning to do things to change it but i am not quite sure how...

oh my self love...i am fine if i do not see myself in the mirror or in a photo!

amelia said...

I feel just the same as you do right now. We sold our house yesterday and we really don't know why. We both know it is the right thing to do but we're not sure why as we just love it here.
We bought a farm which is so different to where we live although it's only a few minutes away.
Also it's hard to look in a mirror and love myself too so I'm with you there as well. I don't like my wrinkly neck and chin. I don't like the way I look growing old but don't care about the fact of growing old.
Right down in the dumps..
Through all this, I wish you love and happiness always.

turquoise cro said...

Hi my dear Miss*R!!! I have thought of YOU often too! I didn't know YOU were not blogging like myself! My doctor found out my D was low too soOOOo I've been taking a Vit D3 and she also upped my thryroid pill which I can't tell the difference! Are YOU supposed to?! I don't think I will Blog again until I get a new computer because my old one died and now, my daughter's laptop is always saying not enough memory and throws me offline! Very frustrating soOOOOOOo maybe someday blogging will be in the cards! I'm not that interested yet to buy a new pc! I WISH YOU your WISHES come true!!! YOU are in my prayers! xo, Cinda

Crystalrainbow said...

just checking in wishing you brighter soon and thanks for your lovely message too x x x

rochambeau said...

Hello Miss Robyn,
Just dropping by to say hi!
Thank you for your kind words~
I like this bird over here-------> free from it's cage
over here<-----------
It's gentle and ethereal~


xox
Constance

A bird in the hand said...

We're like Nature. Take a river: it goes up and down, manoeuvres tricky bends, dries up, then over flows, then gets back in balance. And yet it keeps on flowing. We're no different. Even the most contented have their down times. Just keep taking care of you no matter what. xoxo

"She seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if she had surprised a butterfly in the Winter woods"
(edith wharton)