Thursday, September 8, 2011

life hits me with a thud...[ thank God for friends]

every body hurts some... times... so the song goes...is it really ok to post on a blog about how one is grieving and hurting? what is the etiquette with this? not sure.

two days ago.. my ex-father in law died.. he was 88... long lovely life. very sick so it is a blessing. I am ok with it..

this morning I received a phone call from my friend Peter [I have blogged about him a few times]... telling me that a mutual friend's daughter had taken her own life. 35 yrs old. I am in shock - why? comes to mind.. no answers.. hurting for her parents and siblings...

Peter proceeds to tell me that our friend Maureen

[affectionately known as Maws..] has just been told she has maybe, 4 to 6 mths to live. my mouth goes dry. I feel sick. I mourn deep inside for my own loss. she has been a mentor, an encourager, a mother, a friend. she is 75 - I am not ready to lose her yet. no. I call her, she doesn't tell me about her diagnosis of cancer - she says that she has a cough and is having tests.. and then asks me how I have been..

I feel lost. hurting... I drive up to Avis & Bill [other friends], just wanting to be with someone... crying all the way. eyes red... I walk in and blubber.. crying.. they let me cry. let me talk. for 4 hours.

feeding me and offering cups of tea, love, nurturing.. support and friendship.
it seems that most of my friends are older than I am.. twenty years or more.. I love each of them individually, in their own right - for what they give my life.. but I cannot bear to think of losing them..the little girl that I am feels like stamping my feet, shaking my fist at God.. the adult keeps saying this is the Circle of Life..
I hate the empty feeling in the pit of my stomach.. I hate the feeling of loss.. of change..

18 comments:

Fire Byrd said...

Loss is just downright horrid.
And it never comes at convenient times. It lies in wait to trip you up.
So make the most of now dear friend. As now your friend is still here.Tell her you love her,bake her a cake,do whatever you need to so she knows you care.
And when the worst happens know that you did as much as you could whilst she was here, so you have no regrets.
And remember Grief is the price we pay for love.
Sending you love from over here.
x

foxysue said...

I am with you in the sharing of all that hurts, feeling the hurts as well as the jubilation of life is what cements strong bonds. It is part of the price, the deal of life as we all know.

Hugs across the oceans, I'm off for yoga, I will meditate and keep you strong in my heart.

Sue x

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Loss is a special ache, it is true. Wishing you peace and heart's ease.

Imogen said...

I am so sorry; thinking of you, and of your friends... It is the circle of life, yes, but it still hurts, and one would have to be very damaged not to grieve and howl at times like these... Take care, Robyn.

mxtodis123 said...

Oh, my friend, my heart goes out to you. So many losses at once. Know that I am here for you. You have my email for whenever you feel like talking. (((Hugs)))
Mary

Meri said...

Oh Robyn -- no wonder joy was in short supply for you (though it's obvious how much joy your relationships with others bring you). In 2005, I lost three dear friends and a couple of more-than-acquaintances in a span of about three months. I was just reeling from shock, pain and loss and kept telling my surviving friends that they were not allowed to die. It was horrible. All were in their late 40s or early 50s and gave so much of themselves to the community. It seemed like such a waste! I wish that shaking a fist at God would change things, but it didn't work for me.

Moncha said...

I'm so sorry to hear you've had so much bad news and grieve.
I will be thinking of you !!
Sending comforting vibes !!

Janet said...

No wonder you're feeling angry and upset. That's a lot of sadness to hit you at one time. And grieving takes time. We each have to process it in our own ways. Thank goodness you have friends to support you and to comfort you.

Serena said...

I'm so sorry for all the sadness you are dealing with, Robyn. My heart goes out to your friends also. Sending love and healing thoughts your way ~ xo

Leanne said...

Oh Robyn. Once again our lives parallel. We too are reeling from loss. Last friday one of my sons best friends, a young man of 23, drowned in a tragic accident. Only 23 and torn from this life. How can that be right, to die so young? I completely understand your feelings right now, and I am sending you empathy and hugs.

Leanne x

Pam said...

I was thinking about our stoic generation recently Robyn, The old ones who saw out the Great Depression and returned, uncounselled from WW2. My daughter was in awe of their emotional strength while working in aged care, and I am in awe of my parents and mother-in-law with all they have been through (including coping with suicide). Perhaps we, in our middle-age are still in very early stages of fully understanding this sense of loss and grief and its place in our lives. These two strong and unwelcome tenacious emotions can visit us at any stage of our lives I know, but perhaps we are in preparation for being in our twilight years,where a larger capacity to deal with it would be a distinct advantage. I imagine that without earlier grief "workouts" a tsunami of grief could wipe a little old man or woman right out!
I am as confused by it all and dislike the learning process also, but figure it must be in our lives for a reason.These huge losses we are led to believe are part of a bigger plan we cannot see or imagine,but it still hurts.
Sending you love and big hug.xxx

judie said...

Me too Robyn. I totally understand. I offer no words, only my knowing heart. And cyberhugs. xoxo

A bird in the hand said...

I got a phone call from Australia. One of my oldest and dearest friends tells me why I haven't heard from her for so long... double mastectomy and now we wait. I wish I had the means to fly to Sydney and take care of her. But I don't.

It's heartbreaking.

I have no answers.

xox

Searching For My Willoughby said...

I'm so sorry. Loss is so very hard. The one thing that has helped me most is to be able to share my grief with a good friend. Sending you peace and love.

gemma said...

((Robyn)) Wish we had forever with our loved ones. Sadly we don't. Must remember to let them know we love them.
xx

Cheryl@Gingerbread Crafts said...

Robyn,
My heart goes out to you, I am sorry for the loss that you are feeling.

I too have no answers, no advice you probably haven't heard before.

I just send my love and friendship to you.

Blessings.

Cheryl

Kathryn said...

this is our time to connect with one another in a way that we never have before. This is a time to know that we are not separate. We morn for a loss that is based on an illusion. Maybe those we lose are here to teach us to see them for what they really are: They are us and we are them, and they are just changing frequencies to prepare the way for us to do the same. Hard to wrap our heads around this, non the less.

laoi gaul~williams said...

oh dearest robyn i am so sorry for what is happening in your world right now.
it is funny but i was thinking of loss the other day and although i thought of how it is all part of our cycle of life and the start of a new journey, but at the same time my heart became tight with potential loss.
*hugs* my dear friend xoxoxo

"She seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if she had surprised a butterfly in the Winter woods"
(edith wharton)