dinner at 6 then Mass.. once that was over - we were in silence and left alone til morning
FRIDAY NIGHT from my journal: I miss Joe and feel lost & sad and feel like crying. I sit here wondering what I am supposed to be doing. the weekend stretches in front of me like a gaping hole.
Saturday: early morning walk. the air was slightly crisp. the sky already a dazzling blue. as I walked down the path, a feather had been placed on the ground [I like to think by the angels]. a sign to me that I was in the right place at the right time. I was in awe of the sacredness & quietness of this place. feeling blessed to be here. I walked and felt tears welling up - not for the reason that I first thought [of being alone] but because at that moment I truly believed that God loved me. I felt it in every cell of my being. Ants busily made their nests, magpie babies chased their mothers with that constant calling that they do. I wondered if it drove the mother birds insane. Birds sat in trees, at one time many of them sitting in branches, singing like a choir. I stood, listened and watched.
it feels very odd to be in the presence of other people and not speak. I feel rude at times. not even smiling or making eye contact. but in another way, very reverent. we all go about our business, some opening curtains, making breakfast as if we are all on separate planes of existence.. I am beginning to enjoy this .....
I love God so much. sometimes it makes me cry
St Marys Towers is absolute pure silence. no music. no tv. total stillness. that is what I wish to achieve & have in my daily life. of course, that is not possible because I am married and have a family. so how can I bring this into my daily life so that it works for me?
each day we had a Mass - and I had many opportunities to sit with Jesus in the many prayer chapels
it was if all my prayers & wishes had been answered - sitting in a circle of women- hearing of love & the Divine. candles & music that stirred my soul. in a very simple way, living in a convent - the life of a contemplative...but best of all
ever since I was a little girl - ever since I can remember, I have had a burning desire deep inside to find God. sometimes it is not as strong as others, but it always resurfaces. this absolute yearning.
the Holy Spirit Tree
seeing the bottlebrush pods - a reminder of my childhood. God's way today that showing me that he was there then and is here with me now - constant.
statues of Mary
and simple shrines.. it was all like heaven to me.
on the weekend, I realised that I am a christian mystic [or rather, aspire to be one]. it is no good running anymore from this Jesus aversion thing that I have been avoiding for such a long time. it is time to embrace this - I was at such peace on the weekend just by accepting who I am and what I believe. Reading Carl McColman's book: Christian Mysticism, helped me tremendously over the weekend.
I struggle with knowing how to pray - centering prayer is easy for me to do.. i love it.. but how do I make my whole life, my whole day, a prayer? how do I hold the world in prayer?
I gained a spiritual director & once a month I can go back to St. Marys Towers for a day of solitude and silence and meet with my spiritual director - it is just a dream come true.