Monday, November 29, 2010

notes and babblings

the retreat had a bigger affect on me that I expected. [hence the quietness here at Villa Maria]. I have come to a real state of peace within. this could also be because of the centering prayer that I do daily, that I go to a spiritual counsellor weekly or that I go to Mass nearly every day... I am very lucky to have the opportunity. a block away is our church,[St.Thomas Aquinas and the Angels Guardian], so I can walk there and back... of course, I am in fear of being labeled a bible basher.. much like when I was a young teenager.. and I also feel the need to explain which is why this post is beginning to become a babble of explanations. why do I feel the need to do this? no idea.... all I know is that this peace is like pure heaven for me. I am settled, comfortable and yes, at peace. I go to Mass and I cry.. I feel my heart chakra swelling. I am less angry.. all is well in my world...

from my journal:

while I was on retreat, reflecting on my spiritual journey, quite often the issue of fear came up for me in my thoughts and journaling. fear of not being accepted.. this could stem from my teenage years of feeling as if I were the odd one out. I was quite a serious and 'soulful' girl.. not at all like the normal teens.. and I was laughed at and ridiculed and most times not accepted as one of the gang. so I shunned Jesus.. and became one of the girls... and it went on into my late teens as a young mother and early twenties... not being 'religious' because it was not cool.. but always deep in my soul was the yearning..
and the past few years of searching & delving into other beliefs.. has brought me full circle. back to my strong yearning for God...... I haven't given up my love of the Wheel of the year - I can still follow that but I must finally accept that I am a follower of Jesus. .. and still there is a resistance in my very being.. but also, a welling up of joy in my heart

even now when i read this journal entry, i have the Jesus aversion... fear of being branded a religious nut, a bible basher.. the need to explain.. *sigh*

so what has been happening at Villa Maria?

gardening on the weekend, bought me back to my groundedness...

I weeded and mulched and had a thoroughly lovely time in the garden. cucumbers are forming on my vines and the tomatoes have flowers. basil, eggplant, capsicum and pumpkins plants are all thriving. I have hydrangea flowers coming on the bushes and lavender spikes in abundance. gardenias and geraniums are promising gorgeous bouquets for summer.

making my traditional Christmas cake...

a swig or two of brandy for the cake, not for me.. [I tried Brandy once - thinking I was very sophisticated, sipping it from a brandy balloon in front of an open fire when Joe and I were away on a romantic weekend.. sipped once and just about fainted from the fumes !!]

stirring wishes, love and dreams into each slice..

and the first Sunday of Advent..

[on Saturday, after dinner, Joe & I went for a long stroll - gathering green bits for my advent wreath. it is not perfect by any means.. but when that candle is lit - it looks divine]

the first Sunday in Advent.. a gorgeous cool, misty mountains day.. the first candle lit...
sharing thoughts from a friend:
Advent is to be used as a time of preparing to give birth to the Christ within, to prepare every cell of our bodies to carry the Light of Christ that has come into our world. Prepare ye the way of the Lord is a phrase we hear and say a lot during the Advent time. With each week that we increase the light symbolically with our Advent wreath and Altar, we have an opportunity to allow more Light-Flow into our world through us, the living incarnate word Jesus left behind to do the work..


mxtodis123 said...

I can certainly identify with feeling like the odd man out. My late grammar school and early high school days were horrendous and I was mercilessly teased. It stays with you for many years. I am glad to hear you have reached a state of peace. I can sense it in your words.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

In the words of Paracelsus -- "Be not another, if thou canst be thyself."

Pam said...

You get to the essence of things Robyn - your contemplations, meditations, garden. I think the young people you talk about sometimes just don't have that ability - some may come to it later in life. You had a head start.
When things come from a place of beauty, acceptance and peace, it doesn't matter what others think.Contentment is a blessing in itself.
I like your advent wreath. Had been following the instructions for making and partaking in this ritual at both the Beth Owl's Daughter and A Pagan Tapestry sites, and really like the idea - to join others worldwide in doing so. 'Each week we increase the light symbolically' - sounds good to me!xxx

Imogen said...

It's heartwarming to read this and to read someone so honest and open about their journey. May the peace within you grow and bloom like your garden!

Anonymous said...

I think in so many ways we are on the same path.
I've always been a teeny bit scared of Jesus, but always felt closer to Mary. I am finally letting myself get to know Him. I still like to follow the Wheel of the Year because I feel more in tune with nature. Does that make sense?

I think going to Mass everyday is a beautiful thing. I am trying to get everyone together to attend midnight mass on Christmas Eve. I fear my negativity of the Church has rubbed off on my kids ~ they don't seem too enthusiastic.
Your garden is lovely. The smell of gardenias is divine. I'll put one or two blossoms in a vase and the fragrance fills the room.
Your Advent Wreath is beautiful ~ I love the fresh greens.
What a wonderful visit with you ~
I bet your Christmas cake is delicious. I don't drink brandy either ~ yuk.

Fire Byrd said...

Although I don't have the religious beliefs you have Robyn, I can so identify with being the different one. Nowadays that difference is a blessing but it's taken many years to be at peace with myself.
My worry would be that you would want to reject people who hadn't found the peace in their religious beliefs as you have. So you see both sides fear the same thing. Which really has nothing to do with religion far more to feeling outsiders when we were young.

gemma said...

What really matters here is that you feel inner peace and have found a path that you can follow. I'm taking the road less traveled.
Love you

gemma said...

What really matters here is that you feel inner peace and have found a path that you can follow. I'm taking the road less traveled.
Love you

Ruth said...

Whatever brings peace in your heart is right for you I think. That's what matters, not what other people say, so I am glad that you have surrendered to your true path at last.

judie said...

I've been visiting your blog for quite a long time now and have never, ever thought of you as a bible basher or anything near that. I admire your faith, your commitment to the spiritual side of yourself. I only wish I could find my own inner spirit. You and I shared similar "teen" feelings, but I have never walked beyone mine yet. As for your retreat, I can see it was wonderful for you. I feel peaceful when I visit your blog Robyn. Just keep being yourself for your spirit flows over into others as well.

Annie said...

Dear Robyn,

Never apologize for your beliefs. You have a right to them. Own them. The peace you are experiencing now shows that to you.

I actually learned a lot from this post, dear friend. I too grew up fearful and out of step with others. My base for that was not feeling a sense of place. Dad and mom moved a lot. Even after 24 years of living here in the valley, I don't really feel at home. It's just a place where I settle for a particularly long time.

Daily Mass or at least an effort to attend Mass outside of Sunday appeals to me. Like exercise, I need to pick a day and then develop the habit.

Thank you for the inspiration.

Anonymous said...

Hi Robyn, I'm back again after a nasty SPAM attack ; )
Love reading your blog again.
The wreath looks great and I wish I could taste the Christmas cake.
Have a great day !!!

Beatnheart said...

beautiful words Robyn and a true inspiration. I love it when people walk the walk as well as talkin the talk. So many say they are “followers” when it is just words. They are filled with jealousy, anger and prejudice and live in a shelfish manner. Your way is soft and gentle and you spread it around you and us like a cozy blanket. bless you on your journey.

Winterwood said...

You know the heat here has been so intense that its been hard to focus on the season, and I even forgot its advent..first time ever in my life! sounds like you have found innner peace and that need to talk and chatter has been quietened through your experiences. I think I need some time to be just quiet and get my bearing s back too!

Sheila said...

As always your honesty inspires me.

RootAndTwig said...

As a long-time follower of Jesus, I find your blog intriguing. I hope that you will never give up in your pursuit of that most amazing Person. If I may, I'd like to encourage you to remember that Jesus is a person to get to know as he is, not as we wish he would be. That's what makes loving and knowing and obeying him so wonderful- he's really someone. He's not just an idea or a philosophy that we shape or rearrange to suit us. It is indeed frightening sometimes, getting to know Jesus the person, because he asks us to let him change us. Going to church is wonderful, but the thing that has most shown me who Jesus is, is reading the Bible. For example, he says there that he's the ONLY way, not one of many ways, to God. That's a pretty serious thing to say. Makes one think.
I really appreciate your openness in this blog. Thanks for sharing.

james said...

To Robyn from Julie:

I'm happy you have found a spiritual home. As a womb to tomb Catholic, I have a simple faith in Jesus, Mary and the saints. It's those bureaucrats in Rome that give me the

laoi gaul~williams /I\ said...

i am glad you have finally found your place robyn~as others have said here you have found your place but not forcing onto others as some would try to do. you still embrace and accept the diversity around you :)

"She seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if she had surprised a butterfly in the Winter woods"
(edith wharton)