Spirituality is not to be learned by flight from the world, or by running away from things, or by turning solitary and going apart from the world. Rather, we must learn an inner solitude wherever or with whomsoever we may be. We must learn to penetrate things and find God there.
I have fears. we all have them, I know. But i have a deep seated fear and until last week, had no idea where it came from. the fear of being alone or being abandoned.
i traced back my grandmothers and great grandmothers as I knew of them.. Laura was left a widow at a young age with 7 children in a strange land [Australia].. maybe yes, she had her fears, but she continued on in this land and raised successfully, all her children. my Nan - I cannot remember her being fearful like i am - nor my grandma.. but my mother.. yes, she is a fearful woman - her whole day is spent in fear of this, that or the other.... so it must have come from her and I found out a story a few weeks ago.. she seems to be reminiscing alot and that is good for me, because as she does, I learn more about myself.
when she was a young woman, pregnant with me.. my father would lock her in a cellar and leave her there while he went to work. Can you imagine the fear she must have felt?
while on retreat, sitting in the silence.. an epiphany or light bulb moment for me..
tucked into my little womb-cocoon, I absorbed that fear into my developing cells..
feeling alone and abandoned.. and born into a life of fear.. fear of anger & violence [must say, though, that my father did go on in his later life - to become remorseful and sorry for what he had done. and I loved him no matter what. he was a product of his journey too. like we all are]
while on retreat, talking to my spiritual director.. i was seeing visions as we talked.. of me wrapped securely in the womb, surrounded by light.. protected by angels and guardians..so I took myself out into the garden with my journal and drew what I saw.. and then using my fingers on the watercolour paints, I just played.
I must work with this.. to release and let go of that primal fear.. to accept it for what it was.. part of my journey. But also, I must find a mantra that will help me with negative thought patterns.. one I can say as I go about my day..
the Moon has just gone past full and tonight, driving down the road, I was in awe of her brightness. I must admit, since moving here to Villa Maria, I have become distant to the Moon & Earth. Not feeling a connection at all..and that bothers me. I love Villa Maria.. but the garden does not stir my soul as Inglewood did.. it will take time.
Sometimes, when I am in the garden, I feel ethereal.. not grounded - a very odd energy. that bothers me too. I miss my currawongs from Woodford.. it is all so different. The leaves don't turn here as vibrant as they did.. even people are different.. at Woodford they were more alternate, laid back.. here in Springwood they don't wear garden boots like me, or have a hippy-like garden or burn incense at their front door.. there is constant noise of those silly leaf blowers, whipper-snippers.. constant noise.. till inside my head screams 'shut-up!!'
even my little Sacred room seems alien.. it will take time for the prayers to stick to the walls.. it seems foreign..
but I know it was the exact right thing to do. . to sell and move.. so now begins my journey of belonging & connecting once again I will walk more. alone. yes.. that is a must.
my herbalist has advised me to eat alot more greens..
so now begins the task of growing kale, chicory & beans.
Spinach & peas and other bitter herbs like chickweed [much like my grandma did].. all good for lowering cholesterol or more accurately - the Lipoprotein A in my blood which is high.. no carbs much at all.. lots of protein.. and from my side, I am going to make some gem essences this week using bloodstone, aventurine & amazonite... all good for the blood and liver.