Wednesday, April 20, 2011

fears

Spirituality is not to be learned by flight from the world, or by running away from things, or by turning solitary and going apart from the world. Rather, we must learn an inner solitude wherever or with whomsoever we may be. We must learn to penetrate things and find God there.

I have fears. we all have them, I know. But i have a deep seated fear and until last week, had no idea where it came from. the fear of being alone or being abandoned.

i traced back my grandmothers and great grandmothers as I knew of them.. Laura was left a widow at a young age with 7 children in a strange land [Australia].. maybe yes, she had her fears, but she continued on in this land and raised successfully, all her children. my Nan - I cannot remember her being fearful like i am - nor my grandma.. but my mother.. yes, she is a fearful woman - her whole day is spent in fear of this, that or the other.... so it must have come from her and I found out a story a few weeks ago.. she seems to be reminiscing alot and that is good for me, because as she does, I learn more about myself.

when she was a young woman, pregnant with me.. my father would lock her in a cellar and leave her there while he went to work. Can you imagine the fear she must have felt?

while on retreat, sitting in the silence.. an epiphany or light bulb moment for me..

tucked into my little womb-cocoon, I absorbed that fear into my developing cells..

feeling alone and abandoned.. and born into a life of fear.. fear of anger & violence [must say, though, that my father did go on in his later life - to become remorseful and sorry for what he had done. and I loved him no matter what. he was a product of his journey too. like we all are]

while on retreat, talking to my spiritual director.. i was seeing visions as we talked.. of me wrapped securely in the womb, surrounded by light.. protected by angels and guardians..so I took myself out into the garden with my journal and drew what I saw.. and then using my fingers on the watercolour paints, I just played.

I must work with this.. to release and let go of that primal fear.. to accept it for what it was.. part of my journey. But also, I must find a mantra that will help me with negative thought patterns.. one I can say as I go about my day..

the Moon has just gone past full and tonight, driving down the road, I was in awe of her brightness. I must admit, since moving here to Villa Maria, I have become distant to the Moon & Earth. Not feeling a connection at all..and that bothers me. I love Villa Maria.. but the garden does not stir my soul as Inglewood did.. it will take time.

Sometimes, when I am in the garden, I feel ethereal.. not grounded - a very odd energy. that bothers me too. I miss my currawongs from Woodford.. it is all so different. The leaves don't turn here as vibrant as they did.. even people are different.. at Woodford they were more alternate, laid back.. here in Springwood they don't wear garden boots like me, or have a hippy-like garden or burn incense at their front door.. there is constant noise of those silly leaf blowers, whipper-snippers.. constant noise.. till inside my head screams 'shut-up!!'

even my little Sacred room seems alien.. it will take time for the prayers to stick to the walls.. it seems foreign..

but I know it was the exact right thing to do. . to sell and move.. so now begins my journey of belonging & connecting once again I will walk more. alone. yes.. that is a must.

my herbalist has advised me to eat alot more greens..

so now begins the task of growing kale, chicory & beans.

Spinach & peas and other bitter herbs like chickweed [much like my grandma did].. all good for lowering cholesterol or more accurately - the Lipoprotein A in my blood which is high.. no carbs much at all.. lots of protein.. and from my side, I am going to make some gem essences this week using bloodstone, aventurine & amazonite... all good for the blood and liver.

10 comments:

rebecca said...

dear one,
it is heart crushing...this type of fear. maybe one of the most difficult ways to fall into an abyss. and there are so many dark holes to fall into in every single heart. this type of despair wants for another to reach in and speak with tenderness to ones every fiber and cell. abandonment, wants for another to hold the mirror of self worth. to redeem and fill again the sweet cup of ease.

i have not fallen many times into this underworld but i will tell you that this long week has been one of deep dark despair. i felt as if someone i loved deeply had dies unexpectedly....and in that soul crushing anguish came to see the death and mourning were mine.

this is the deep seated pain of the un mothered. and it seems only mothering will heal the gaping hole. falling hard all week, barely holding on...so much sorrow....so caught off guard.

i began to make a small shrine of devotion to mary. a shrine that perhaps no one else will ever see....slipped into my pocket, so i can reach in in my most needy moments and hold the grace of pure love.

holding you and whispering to your courageous heart.

loving you with a mother's love...
xoxoxoxoxox,
rebecca

mxtodis123 said...

I, too, lived through that fear of abandonment. I became so clingy with hubby that I almost ruined my marriage. In my zest to keep him near, I was pushing him away. I can't pinpoint when the fear went away, but it did.
Mary

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Yes, I believe that we feel our mother's emotions while we are in the womb and where there is fear or worry or anxiety, those emotions will be issues for us during our lives too. Learning the story explaining your mom's fear while carrying you is such an important step to healing it.

Ocean Breezes and Country Sneezes said...

I'm sorry for your family troubles, I believe that working with mother nature brings about a sense of tranquility. It sounds like your a naturalist, one of the Armstrong's Multiple Intelligences. It's interesting reading.

Beatnheart said...

I feel your pain and understand it so clearly. “I am a beautiful, growning and powerful woman who is willing to change and grow and be.”

I love the idea of gem essenses...how do you do that?

Much peace, great joy, boundless love and energy to you.

foxysue said...

Dear Robyn, I am feeling for you too, I think many of us can trace our problems back to fear, it is no stranger to my door! My mother was an orphan, I never knew my grandmother she died in a mental institution after being abandoned. My mother was treated cruelly in the orphanage as she related, so I too was in fear of abandonment. She would tell me that if I was naughty they would take me away to a reformatory school, as you say they pass on what they have learned in their journey! At the age that the menopause started I began to have many problems, we moved to our present property which was the house of my dreams, we rebuilt this beautiful cottage from a ruin but I could not bond with it! My hair all fell out in about 2 weeks, has since returned, although patchy! The worst thing though was the fear thing which may have caused the hair loss! One of the things that really helped me was reading Susan Jeffer's 'Feeling the fear and doing it anyway' , You may have read it, but if not give it a try.
The dream cottage is now my home after learning to love it, like you are doing, so I'm sending you soul hugs too.

Love Sue x

Pam said...

Oh Robyn, we all need a soft place to land don't we. Trying to understand ourselves and others isn't easy, but meditation while surrounding ourselves with a sense of unconditional love helps. In the end, love is everything. Those lyrics sum it up "...in the end, only kindness matters".
Just continue to observe dear friend, - who knows why we are placed somewhere but things do start to reveal themselves. Good things take time.
I'm still scratching my head in the environment I am in, but we are the last link with our long line of ancestors, and guess in a sense they have led us to where we are in this moment of time. Part of our purpose I guess.Bloom where you're planted. Your dear little greens attest to it! Love to you. Love to Villa Maria! May your fears always be tiny ones, and the hugs you get,huge.(Your painting speaks beautifully) xxxxxxx

Paula - Buenos Aires said...

Even though sometimes you may feel alone, please know you are not, my dear. {warm hug}

Ruth said...

That was a really amazing insight Robyn, and I'm sure you are doing a lot of healing for your poor mum as well as yourself. I love the art work you are doing - it is really from your soul. xx

gemma said...

Your art is beautiful! Art is healing and I can see that you put your heart and soul into it.
Wrapping my arms around you and want to tell you that everything is OK. You are loved with a love that comes from hearts around the world.

"She seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if she had surprised a butterfly in the Winter woods"
(edith wharton)