Tuesday, July 19, 2011

my boy & stuff


on the weekend, I flew down to see my only son. He is happy. very happy & he looks healthy too. I have not seen him look so well in years & years.
I was so looking forward to the trip - to see him again - but it was such a short visit and it has left me with a huge hole in my heart. I just feel like sobbing. I know that i am supposed to let my babies fly - I know, I know. but I miss having him near. I feel like curling up in a little ball and just letting the tears fall.. but I don't. I try to act like the adult, the mature woman that I am.. instead of the lost little girl that I feel like.

I don't know what is the matter with me. am I manic depressive? am I suffering from empty nest syndrome? Joe retired last year and we moved - so many life changing things in such a short period of time. I feel so lost. I cannot for the life of me create a thing. I want to.. but don't know where to start. I cannot even force myself out into the garden. I don't walk nor do I feel connected to Mother Earth one little bit. the woman who looks back at me in the mirror is a stranger. these words are spilling from my heart - not looking for sympathy but just to get them out in a hope that maybe one person will say 'yep, I know exactly how you feel.. and hey, you are ok'......

15 comments:

foxysue said...

Hey Robyn you are okay!!! Things will turn they always do, we do let our babies fly but they are still apart of us, and we feel! So let the tears fall it's okay, we are adults and know that tears are there for a reason, a pressure release.

When I feel lost like this I just try to put one foot in-front of the other, the next thing. You are a creative and it will naturally come to the fore when the time is right for you, when the woman in the mirror, your deepest you is ready!

Big hugs to you my Cornish Sister.

Sue x

Pam said...

Glad your son is happy, though parting would be sweet sorrow for you. I do know how you feel hon. I will email you.xxx

Imogen said...

Yep, I do know how you feel, and yep, you are normal. And I'm sure lots of your friends will say the same.

It's a fallacy, I'm sure, that most people don't have these patches when everything feels like dust and ashes. We're just taught (well, certainly here in Britain we're taught) not to talk about it. But sometimes it's good to talk about it; and it's brave, too.

You will come through, Robyn. The same strength that helps you be open about how you feel is also carrying you through.

There's a wonderful line in the Advices and Queries - I'll have to look it up:
"Cherish that of God within you, so that this love may grow in you and guide you. Let your worship and your daily life enrich each other. Treasure your experience of God, however it comes to you."

Feeling blue is part of that experience, isn't it?

mxtodis123 said...

Been through it with both of mine. What you are feeling is normal. He's a handsome boy...but then again, he has a beautiful mom.
Mary

Winterwood said...

welcome to midlife crisis/menapausal madness/empty nest syndrome and anything else we dont have a name for at the moment when feeling like this. But as they say this too shall pass, and like someone else said here one step at a time... and to that I add one day at a time... a lot of us feel this way too so youre in good company! all we can do is support one another through blogs like yours! all the best Krissie

Winterwood said...

ps youre son looks v handsome and so much taller than you! are you shrinking?

I am with age! lol! and I'm only 5foot two, so not a lot of leeway for shrinkage! lol!

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Life changes do twirl us around, don't they? But if you're worried that depression has set in, perhaps speaking to a counsellor would help. I know it has helped me in the past!

rebecca said...

dear friend,

the being lost and being found, the mature woman and the lost little girl, the filled and the empty...
all reside in every moment. even the garden wrestles with ruin and death. the world is rich in duality. yet even when the feet stumble and the hands seem to fall empty...the heart of the heart resides fully in light.
i see yours even across this ocean between us...and your son's arm resting so playfully across his dear mothers head. you are radiantly holy in each moment.
we will hold you in the heart center....
until you rediscover you are here...and always have been.


xoxoxoxoxo

Beatnheart said...

Yep! I know exactly how you feel...I am going to be 59 years old in a few weeks. I feel more and more” homesick” every year...even though my childhood wasn’t all that great, I miss my hometown...even though I haven’t lived there in over 30 years I long for home...A dumb question here but...any chance of moving nearer to son? I know you just moved but ...
The blues are trickly...you just have to start something to spark your interest. I am having a giveaway to help boost intereset in my Etsy shop. That , I have noticed
helped me to set my fire burning...so, you...stop by
enter the contest. and find something to ignite your
immense fire that I know burns within. With love and support to a fellow traveler...Cynthia

Serena said...

Yes, you are definitely normal. I would cry buckets if any of my kids lived a large distance away where we could only see each other now and again. You have definitely had some big changes over the past couple of years so this all plays a part with your emotions too.

I find that, when I feel down like this, I continue to go through the motions of daily living and just focus on taking one step at a time. Eventually, it does help and things fall back neatly into place.

Btw, that's a lovely, happy photo of you and your son. :)

(((Hugs)))

Janet said...

I've been there and you are okay. It's hard when our kids leave home but I'm also thrilled when mine are happy doing what they love. Your son looks very happy and healthy. Be thankful for that. I'm sure he would want you to be happy, too.

gemma said...

We all experience these things I think. You are definitely not alone Robyn. Having gone through all the changes with both health and home
you are fragile right now. However I know you to have a strong and fierce spirit that will rise victoriously!

laoi gaul~williams said...

oh the blues~they visit me a lot. days where i hate myself, hate everyone around me and think life is out to get me. i get tearful over nothing and feel bitter and hateful~then it seems to drift by and i find myself one day as my usual self.
*hugs* dear robyn
xoxoxo

Paula - Buenos Aires said...

I´m not an empty nester yet but can begin to understand what you mean. {big, warm hug}

amelia said...

I can only say when everyone else has said.
I ache for my kids sometimes but I know I can't tell them because I don't want to make them sad.
Will your move take you closer or further from Caine?
Also, what Foxysue said about just putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes that's all that can be done..

"She seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if she had surprised a butterfly in the Winter woods"
(edith wharton)