Friday, July 29, 2011

sea changes

was it an omen when I changed my blog name a week or so ago?

life has been a whirlwind for me the past two years. I had a beautiful life for 12 years in a home that I loved, a garden that I adored, a family that seemed so settled. full of love. I had a vision of my future, growing old in the family home with my dear Joe, surrounded by children and grandchildren. tending my garden. living to a ripe old age. just like my own childhood had been. my grandchildren would come to visit and stay over. I would cook cakes and other treats for friends and family visits. I would wear a vintage apron and have a twinkle in my eye and a grey bun ontop of my head.

then a bomb was dropped into the nucleus of my family - in the way of my son & his wife separating [and consequently divorcing]
two of my grandsons became estranged. where i had them twice a week - I now see them hardly ever.

my son moved 12 hours away - to heal. mentally and emotionally.
a breast lump
death of my step father which culminated in moving my mother near to us into aged care.
my eldest daughter announcing that she and her beautiful family are moving north...

all this ended up in what I call my mini breakdown.
Joe & I deciding to sell and move from our home of 12 years, Inglewood.
then renovating and then moving into our new home Villa Maria. phew - I need a breath!

I have been living under a heavy dark cloud the past year. like I was carrying a huge weight on my shoulders. .. a straw broke my back in the way of a very bad cold this past week & the fact that my daughter has decided to move NOW. I cried and cried. Joe held me as I sobbed. sorting out how I felt through my emotions. we talked and talked.

which has led to the decision, the big decision. to sell Villa Maria and move north. to the beach. to the warmth. buying something so much different to what we have here. smaller.

a place where I can still have a garden albeit small...a place near to the beach.

and as well - we have bought a Winnebago and are going to travel around Australia.

and you know? the weight has gone. I feel lighter. as if something huge has shifted... I have faced my fear of telling my mother we are moving away. I have found courage. the courage to be who I am. I feel like sewing again. I feel hope.

from my journal writings:
I have been in fear of change. of losing control. i am in shock but not at all sad. there is so much going on in my mind at the moment. like where I am going to end up. I have been very sick too. and am still not better. I had a stress test last week for my heart and am waiting the results. I hope and pray they are good. I know my lipoprotein a level is up and that is a big concern. this is where I get confused. do I take the medication that 'can' cause cancer but will help my levels or do I try to lower it with herbs and healthy eating. I wish I had an advisor who would make these decisions for me and a crystal ball to tell me the future


mxtodis123 said...

From the day you moved there, I had the feeling you might not be staying there long. I've felt your unhappiness there and knew it was a matter of time. I think a little cottage near the beach is just what you need. I would love that myself. Take care of yourself, my friend. (((Hugs)))

Winterwood said...

OMG - read your post a few times as I was quite shocked as to how and what youve been feeling! so many changes.... I am reeling but hope youre feeling a better after that nasty flu! ps I think we all wish we had crystal balls! how easy (or not) would that make some life decisions?

Imogen said...

Thinking of you! This does sound like a pretty bad patch all things considered - yet now there is movement and the log-jam is breaking up... I hope so much that the business of house-hunting and moving is less stressful this time around.

rebecca said...

oh my dear friend,

i am so happy you could allow this long river of sadness and all the stumbling rocks that comprise its path out...
out into the light of day!!! outside of yourself. already lighter you are beginning to untangle the fear, loss, the deep sadness that has been rooting to long inside.

i am so grateful for your very courageous step into trust and your ever steadfast joe.

i love the idea of you unburdening your heart so you may step holy into the light and ease of trust.

welcome home.


Ruth said...

Whew! A lot of changes and catching up to do - I will email you xx

Janet said...

That sounds like such a great idea. If you have the Winnebago you can go see your grandkids, your son, and your mom whenever you want. Having a smaller place will give you more time to travel and do the things you love to garden. I'm so happy for you!!!

Leanne said...

I knew this was coming, I too have felt your unhappiness.

Remember when I emailed you , when was that? must be a month or more ago now, and I asked if Villa Maria was really the right choice?

I hope you find what you are searching for Robyn, and then have peace of spirit. I too am not in the right place, I feel it very strongly, but I must bide my time for now.
sending healing thoughts to you my friend

Leanne x

A bird in the hand said...

Sometimes you have to make a move (i.e. to Villa Maria) that will let you see what must be done next.


Tina said...

I was also sure you wouldn't stay too long in Villa Maria as it always came over like it didn't seem to be the real right place to settle down for you. You just "talked it right" for yourself. I do hope that you'll find the right place this time. And I am sure you'll feel it when you have found it.
Good that you always have your love and soul mate with you.
Tina in Germany

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Holy moly!! Big changes -- but I feel the excitement and new life in your words!

"She seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if she had surprised a butterfly in the Winter woods"
(edith wharton)