Friday, July 29, 2011
was it an omen when I changed my blog name a week or so ago?
life has been a whirlwind for me the past two years. I had a beautiful life for 12 years in a home that I loved, a garden that I adored, a family that seemed so settled. full of love. I had a vision of my future, growing old in the family home with my dear Joe, surrounded by children and grandchildren. tending my garden. living to a ripe old age. just like my own childhood had been. my grandchildren would come to visit and stay over. I would cook cakes and other treats for friends and family visits. I would wear a vintage apron and have a twinkle in my eye and a grey bun ontop of my head.
then a bomb was dropped into the nucleus of my family - in the way of my son & his wife separating [and consequently divorcing]
two of my grandsons became estranged. where i had them twice a week - I now see them hardly ever.
my son moved 12 hours away - to heal. mentally and emotionally.
a breast lump
death of my step father which culminated in moving my mother near to us into aged care.
my eldest daughter announcing that she and her beautiful family are moving north...
all this ended up in what I call my mini breakdown.
Joe & I deciding to sell and move from our home of 12 years, Inglewood.
then renovating and then moving into our new home Villa Maria. phew - I need a breath!
I have been living under a heavy dark cloud the past year. like I was carrying a huge weight on my shoulders. .. a straw broke my back in the way of a very bad cold this past week & the fact that my daughter has decided to move NOW. I cried and cried. Joe held me as I sobbed. sorting out how I felt through my emotions. we talked and talked.
which has led to the decision, the big decision. to sell Villa Maria and move north. to the beach. to the warmth. buying something so much different to what we have here. smaller.
a place where I can still have a garden albeit small...a place near to the beach.
and as well - we have bought a Winnebago and are going to travel around Australia.
and you know? the weight has gone. I feel lighter. as if something huge has shifted... I have faced my fear of telling my mother we are moving away. I have found courage. the courage to be who I am. I feel like sewing again. I feel hope.
from my journal writings:
I have been in fear of change. of losing control. i am in shock but not at all sad. there is so much going on in my mind at the moment. like where I am going to end up. I have been very sick too. and am still not better. I had a stress test last week for my heart and am waiting the results. I hope and pray they are good. I know my lipoprotein a level is up and that is a big concern. this is where I get confused. do I take the medication that 'can' cause cancer but will help my levels or do I try to lower it with herbs and healthy eating. I wish I had an advisor who would make these decisions for me and a crystal ball to tell me the future