Sunday, July 31, 2011

who am i? & a slight change in plans - further on from my last post

you all know the story..but this is a question that i have been asking myself alot lately. being a wife and mother at such a young age - my home and family became my career. i loved it. I relished in it. i baked and cleaned with such happiness. gardening then came into the picture and i extended my life out into the yard. growing and sharing my produce. creating meals from the abundance of my garden. cooking cakes for afternoon teas when friends and family would drop by. family celebrations were a collection of noise and cheerfulness. laughter rang through my home. one by one my grand babies started to arrive.. I embraced this part of my life with such joy. I had my soul mate, my children and grandchildren around me..

and as you know from the last post - it seems to me that this is just all crumbling down around me.. I am sitting in the middle seeing it all scatter and there is nothing i can do - so I am beginning to wonder who I am.. I don't have any real outside interests that I am passionate about. now I know why so many older women take up lawn bowls.

also, the fact that my eldest daughter Louisa and her husband are moving away. soon.
at the moment they live just around the corner and I see my gorgeous grandsons, Harry and Charlie at least 3 or 4 times a week. it breaks my heart that this will no longer happen. I won't be able to just pop around for a cup of tea and play with them. I was at both their births and I am very bonded to the little boys. I love them to bits. I just keep crying and crying over this.

yes, we could move up to where they are going - but it is quite hot & humid and I know that this would do my head in over time. I do love the 4 seasons we get here in the mountains.

I grew up with my grandparents close by until they died. my own children have had the same.. and my grandsons are not going to have that. this makes me so sad. However, I know that they have dreams and plans and I do wish them well with all my heart. as hard as this is.
because part of me wants to scream 'please don't go'

also, thinking of moving from the mountains actually sent me into a real panic attack - I am a mountains girl. I love the beach, but the mountains is where my heart is.

Joe and i have sat and talked about what we were planning. it hit us both that we were moving from our much loved mountains - why?

we do not like Springwood at all & we still want to move away from this town. the energy is very odd here in this town. it has a kind of foreboding energy about it. neighbours don't wave. people walk past with their heads down. I do believe this could be an ancient energy. whatever it is, it makes me very uncomfortable and yes, sad..

so we have decided to move further up the mountains - close to where i can sit on a rock and look over the ancient land, where I walk and feel like I am home
oh yes, it will still be cold but the cold up there is welcoming - not like here where it seeps into my bones. a dead, dead cold.
it IS colder up the top of the mountain - but it is a vibrant cold. brings me alive! the community is vibrant and alternate and when I go there to shop, I feel embraced by the energy of it all. I feel part of it. sad thing is though - that we wanted to move there in the first place and decided on Springwood because our children lived there and they wanted us to be closer. a big lesson learned: don't make decisions on other peoples wishes!

my life is changing in huge, huge ways & as always happens - things will work out. they always do. it is patience that I have to learn. I also have to honour myself.. as a friend said to me: "Who are you? You are yourself - honour that" [but do you know, that I just don't know how to do that anymore]

(part of me wants to apologize for writing the past few posts, exposing my emotions but this is a journal of my thoughts - and these are my thoughts right now. I am sorry, i do tend to pour my heart out when I blog. too raw & open for some..)


kim said...

I love the new blog name. It suits you I think. I am glad to know that I am not the only one lost.

I have been thinking a LOT about my paternal grandmother, the farm they lived on and my childhood home. Almost to the point is scares me?

I am going through another religious disconnect as well.

(((hugs)))) to you my friend

Janet said...

It's so difficult to let go of our children but they do need to live their own lives just as we do. Wherever you decide to move I hope it's a place that YOU want and not something that someone else wants for you.

Serena said...

I've read the past few posts and truly feel for you. I'm not one who likes major changes, especially when it comes to my family so I can understand the pain you feel with your children/grandkids moving away. It would cut me up pretty bad if I had to go through the same. Who knows? My day may come too where I am crying over one or more of my kids moving away where I wouldn't see them frequently. Funny, that we work our lives around our kids but, in the end, they make their choices on their own wants and needs and we are left to wonder where it all leaves us.

The latest events have obviously left you feeling very unsettled but I wish you well in finding a place high on the mountain that IS you. Somehow, I knew that heat and humidity wouldn't be your's definitely not mine, yet I live here dealing with it each and every summer. :(

Sending you lots of healing and positive prayers ~ xo

Serena said...

Btw, a lovely family photo!

Leanne said...

I wish you well Robyn- and I feel in my bones, this is the right thing for you to do. You are being drawn back, and you should listen to that voice. keep in touch, you have my email, and my friendship.

love, light and blessings to you.

Leanne x

Fire Byrd said...

I actually love the brightness of this blog layout.
I understand your pain. It is so hard letting go of how things were supposed to be and living with how they actually are. Cause that makes the dreams shatter into tiny diamond fragments which make decisions hard.
My advice take a moment to sit and hold your pain in your hand. Ask yourself what can you do about it in this moment. If something then do it. If nothing, then let the pain fall from your fingers as grains of sand falling back to the beach.Do this often enough and you learn that grace is in the moment and that is enough.

Pam said...

A very sincere and honest post Robyn.
No need to apologize for emotions many are feeling and recognize in others and appreciate seeing from your perspective.
Just do what you can to get you through. A day at a time, an hour at a time. I don't think we can expect happiness, but rejoice in it when it happens. I think all this takes time, and the dizzy heights of our happiness of course has the power to have a correlating measure of grief in its loss.
People used to say schooldays are the best of your life. I never found that(ever!) - mine was childrearing, but then husband and I didn't know each other as well as we do now, and Joe, for you, has been there for it all too.
He understands. We understand, and this being your blog there is no need to feel hesitant about anything you write!
I guess when some dreams don't come true, we have to make new ones.
I had to laugh about the bowling ladies, in that I too, thought about that the other day almost word for word, except I added "Gawd!!" at the end.
Can't see it for myself! How weird it popped up at all for either of us !!
Loved your family photo. I have to look at ours now in a different light as I idolized my mothers parents but have since found out their marriage was not happy at all - they certainly turned on a comedy act for the grandkids though!
Keep well dear

Anonymous said...

Hi Robyn, I can imagine how you feel, but children are on loan and they do tend to go their own way. Mine just flew out of the nest too and isn't closeby. You have to go where your heart says you have to. When you are happy higher in the mountains, then you have to go there, follow your bliss !!!
Have a magical day.

Beatnheart said...

I love the fact that you can open your heart and thoughts in the blog world. I hear your pain and yes don’t make plans based on other people. Move on up to that mountain top....doesn’t sound right where you are and how wonderful that you have the insight to feel this. and how fortunate that you are able to move. some people are stuck where they are and can’t do anything about it. Your cool lady...don’t fret’ll sort everything out.

Winterwood said...

one day at a time Robyn and slowly your new life - the one that is meant for you will reveal itself!
thinking of you.

laoi gaul~williams said...

oh robyn, what is it about our world, our society that makes us feel less a person when we express sadness and pain. of course we should and make no apologies for being your true self here *hugs*

i think deep down inside of all of us the old ways of our ancestors, of being part of extended family groups and small communities, is still a strong thing and you are feeling this being pulled apart.

oh the mountain top yes! i can see you there, i can see you there in the embracing community~return to where you belong.

winnebago! we are green with envy! please send me some pictures as soon as you can!

Paula - Buenos Aires said...

Best wishes and warm hugs.
Thinking of you.

Tina said...

I am with Laoi here: go where you belong. you will be happy. In a different way perhaps because you don't have your kids and grandkids close, but you are able to travel and see them. And with the internet you might still be able share their lives closely...
And you could think of saving some money for a trip to Europe as you are "free" now to leave.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Up the mountain sounds ideal! May health and happiness be waiting for you there!

katie said...

i've been out of touch in blogland so i'm just learning of the dramatic changes you're embracing. wow, big ones. i relate to some and am on a paralell path, grandchildren being close for a number of years, and now they've moved across the country, with a baby due that i won't be able to spend time with like i did the others. the planet is going through so much and we're feeling the intensity, those of us that as so sensitive. i admire your willingness and ability to be so open with your heart here, may your burdens grow lighter...

thanks for stopping by my blog, yes, i have that rock and i most certainly remembered you.

"She seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if she had surprised a butterfly in the Winter woods"
(edith wharton)