who am i? & a slight change in plans - further on from my last post

you all know the story..but this is a question that i have been asking myself alot lately. being a wife and mother at such a young age - my home and family became my career. i loved it. I relished in it. i baked and cleaned with such happiness. gardening then came into the picture and i extended my life out into the yard. growing and sharing my produce. creating meals from the abundance of my garden. cooking cakes for afternoon teas when friends and family would drop by. family celebrations were a collection of noise and cheerfulness. laughter rang through my home. one by one my grand babies started to arrive.. I embraced this part of my life with such joy. I had my soul mate, my children and grandchildren around me..

and as you know from the last post - it seems to me that this is just all crumbling down around me.. I am sitting in the middle seeing it all scatter and there is nothing i can do - so I am beginning to wonder who I am.. I don't have any real outside interests that I am passionate about. now I know why so many older women take up lawn bowls.

also, the fact that my eldest daughter Louisa and her husband are moving away. soon.
at the moment they live just around the corner and I see my gorgeous grandsons, Harry and Charlie at least 3 or 4 times a week. it breaks my heart that this will no longer happen. I won't be able to just pop around for a cup of tea and play with them. I was at both their births and I am very bonded to the little boys. I love them to bits. I just keep crying and crying over this.

yes, we could move up to where they are going - but it is quite hot & humid and I know that this would do my head in over time. I do love the 4 seasons we get here in the mountains.


I grew up with my grandparents close by until they died. my own children have had the same.. and my grandsons are not going to have that. this makes me so sad. However, I know that they have dreams and plans and I do wish them well with all my heart. as hard as this is.
because part of me wants to scream 'please don't go'

also, thinking of moving from the mountains actually sent me into a real panic attack - I am a mountains girl. I love the beach, but the mountains is where my heart is.

Joe and i have sat and talked about what we were planning. it hit us both that we were moving from our much loved mountains - why?

we do not like Springwood at all & we still want to move away from this town. the energy is very odd here in this town. it has a kind of foreboding energy about it. neighbours don't wave. people walk past with their heads down. I do believe this could be an ancient energy. whatever it is, it makes me very uncomfortable and yes, sad..

so we have decided to move further up the mountains - close to where i can sit on a rock and look over the ancient land, where I walk and feel like I am home
oh yes, it will still be cold but the cold up there is welcoming - not like here where it seeps into my bones. a dead, dead cold.
it IS colder up the top of the mountain - but it is a vibrant cold. brings me alive! the community is vibrant and alternate and when I go there to shop, I feel embraced by the energy of it all. I feel part of it. sad thing is though - that we wanted to move there in the first place and decided on Springwood because our children lived there and they wanted us to be closer. a big lesson learned: don't make decisions on other peoples wishes!

my life is changing in huge, huge ways & as always happens - things will work out. they always do. it is patience that I have to learn. I also have to honour myself.. as a friend said to me: "Who are you? You are yourself - honour that" [but do you know, that I just don't know how to do that anymore]

(part of me wants to apologize for writing the past few posts, exposing my emotions but this is a journal of my thoughts - and these are my thoughts right now. I am sorry, i do tend to pour my heart out when I blog. too raw & open for some..)
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