morning meditation

constant visitors to the garden at Villa Maria. the white cockatoo. a ruffian of the bird world.. often destroying my orange tree.
the birdlife is abundant here right now, as I sat doing an early morning meditation, outside, bare feet on the ground.. the traffic faded into a quiet background noise against the cacophony of bird call that heralds springtime romances - the wattlebirds, the flock of tiny finches flying overhead, high above. their tweeting becoming louder as they fly directly over me. bower birds, rosellas & lorikeets, all in unison as if in a springtime choir. broken only by the sudden screeching that only a white cockatoo is capable of . the screech makes me gasp.. a sudden realization that I am in such a different land to most of my online friends. this awareness brings me gently to a gratefulness for being here. as I sit, a gentle spring breeze ruffles my hair gently, bringing with it a hint of jasmine, which, although not a native to this land - it is an inhabitant now, none the less. like me, growing in a foreign country when ancestral roots belong elsewhere

I open my eyes - herbs of coriander & parsley

iris & bluebells

dandelion, chicory & dock..ALL spill into my vision.. surrounding me with bright springtime energy

yesterday, we received the keys to our new home in Katoomba.. while there, i took the opportunity to close my eyes and just absorb the energy. the wind was blowing gently. a cooling early spring breeze. kind of blowing through my aura. I felt a calmness come over me.. and I felt at peace.

here at Villa Maria, as I begin to pack up yet again...the blackbird continues to sing outside. the magnolia is blooming, the bluebells poking their strong stems high above the leaves.. trees of all kinds are dressing themselves in their springtime finery.
I think our new home will be called 'Avalon' - [where the ancient religion of the Mother Goddess was born - Mists of Avalon]

life hits me with a thud...[ thank God for friends]

every body hurts some... times... so the song goes...is it really ok to post on a blog about how one is grieving and hurting? what is the etiquette with this? not sure.

two days ago.. my ex-father in law died.. he was 88... long lovely life. very sick so it is a blessing. I am ok with it..

this morning I received a phone call from my friend Peter [I have blogged about him a few times]... telling me that a mutual friend's daughter had taken her own life. 35 yrs old. I am in shock - why? comes to mind.. no answers.. hurting for her parents and siblings...

Peter proceeds to tell me that our friend Maureen

[affectionately known as Maws..] has just been told she has maybe, 4 to 6 mths to live. my mouth goes dry. I feel sick. I mourn deep inside for my own loss. she has been a mentor, an encourager, a mother, a friend. she is 75 - I am not ready to lose her yet. no. I call her, she doesn't tell me about her diagnosis of cancer - she says that she has a cough and is having tests.. and then asks me how I have been..
I feel lost. hurting... I drive up to Avis & Bill [other friends], just wanting to be with someone... crying all the way. eyes red... I walk in and blubber.. crying.. they let me cry. let me talk. for 4 hours.

feeding me and offering cups of tea, love, nurturing.. support and friendship.
it seems that most of my friends are older than I am.. twenty years or more.. I love each of them individually, in their own right - for what they give my life.. but I cannot bear to think of losing them..the little girl that I am feels like stamping my feet, shaking my fist at God.. the adult keeps saying this is the Circle of Life..
I hate the empty feeling in the pit of my stomach.. I hate the feeling of loss.. of change..

a sleepy sea side village

a few days spent by the sea. to recuperate and rest

to gather shells & leave a message


to collect driftwood. to have my aura cleansed.


to honour Selene. to be at peace. to pray.


Earth Healing. placing healing discs wherever I go. to create a grid of healing and peace.

ch ch ch changes

fear woke me this morning. so many changes in such a short time. not just the selling of Villa Maria and buying the house with no name in Katoomba.. or the fact that my eldest daughter Louisa, her husband and two of my gorgeous grandsons are moving to the far north coast to live where the sun shines most of the time.. but now my youngest born, Sophie is moving to the city. changing jobs... that is what woke me this morning. the fear of staying safe and not taking a leaping chance into the unknown... the voice of fear wanted to yell at her to stay in the comfortable hairdressing job where she is.. safe. safe. ... but our whole family. each and every one of us is standing on the edge of a very exciting precipice. and for once.. I must encourage her to leap. .. don't stay safe. it is usually not very exciting to stay safe. explore....


"fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like to see you living in better conditions." - - Hafez
and today. our first trip in our new motor home which we have named 'IMAGINE' [of course]... off up north to spend a few days by the sea side. gathering shells, memories and photos...

wish you were here

it seems we have bought a house. in Katoomba. two blocks from Echo Point. one kilometre from my Katoomba Falls walk. Edwardian style. three bedrooms. one bath. back laneway entrance. two old plum trees. room for chooks and Harley Davidson. plenty of potential which means alot of hard work... we are both happy and wish you were here

[and it seems also, that Villa Maria has been sold. thankyou St. Joseph and all of those who threw your wishes in with mine. we still have a ten day cooling off period. but the Universe says not to worry. all will be well]

 

wishing & JOY

what do you wish to enjoy?
well, you see wishing is a favourite thing that I do. I spend alot of my time, wishing..
but right at this very minute - I wish to be able to live in the present moment. to savour each moment as it comes.
not the past.. where i dwell sometimes
and definately not the future.. where i spend alot of time. projecting myself into what ifs, that most times don't happen..
so my wish is to learn how to or to remember to live. in the present moment.


Thursdays bring us to JOY..

this wise ancient land. a sacred place where I will soon live. Katoomba. My very own Avalon. a place that you must visit to even begin to understand what the words WISE, ANCIENT, SACRED, mean. where Ley lines run. My very own Avalon

trees. trees bring me joy. this one is a favourite. a place where i sit. a place where I feel hugged and nurtured. where I feel JOY.


 

a meditative walk..

a week ago:
I have been quite ill. the cold turned to the flu which in turn progressed to bronchitis and sinus infection. I was so sick that Joe took me to the Drs after me saying no for a few weeks.. I am now on a puffer thingie and antibiotics [anyone who knows me that I have gone kicking and screaming down this alley way]... I have been delirious, in and out of a weird dream like state. hallucinating. a very odd past month indeed.
In my awake moments, I lay on our bed looking out the window at the eucalypts..
and sometimes little times of gratitude sneaked into my heart:

noticing a mother walking past with her dog while her two sons rode along beside her - chatting about their day, I guess.

the blackbird outside, singing somewhere - it took me quite awhile of listening to his song before I realised what bird it was.

and the dreams, oh the dreams! sometimes in my delirium the angels have spoken to me. animals have visited in my dreams. my higher self has spoken.. all trying to soothe my restless soul. I must learn or remember to live in the present moment..

today was the first time that i felt like walking anywhere. I packed my camera, my notepad and took myself off to Katoomba.. to meditate, barefoot upon Mother Earth. to breath in the moist air of the upper mountains. heavy with the perfume of damp earth after rain. i sat for 15 mins, with my eyes closed, feet bare. absorbing the healing energy. feeling as if i was home. people came past, i heard them whisper to their children 'shhh'.. in my mind i said thankyou. I heard a waterfall across the valley - and felt myself being absorbed into the sound until we were one, that waterfall and I. my heart ached with longing to live here..
[and this is where we will be moving to, once Villa Maria is sold. it is only early days yet, but I pray & wish with all my heart that it won't be long.. please wish with me]...

Katoomba is paradise to me..  taken today after my meditative walk

Tints of the lichens that cling and spread,
Nile-green, primrose, and palest red . . .
Dorothea Mackeller


O'yarrang - old man's beard. gathered to create myself a plant essence to help me belong.



we all need water & Mother Nature provides. small rivulets find their way down into a natural hollow in the roots of a tree. a mini watering hole. tomorrow a drink for the birds and insects.

worlds within worlds. the skyscrapers of the lichen world - push their way towards the light. I love the damp, dank smell of the bush after rain. earthy. me.

Imbolc and a new beginning

the end of winter and beginning of early spring. I have felt so disconnected to the seasons for the past year and it took me all my strength to dig deep to find some kind of desire to be with Mother Nature as the wheel turned once again.

trying to go beyond the noises of suburbia - the cars, mowers & other modern tools of trade, the general noise of a busy commuting community. trying not to feel annoyance that no one else seems to care anymore about the natural world. am I being judgemental in this? not sure, but that is the way I am feeling as I try to grasp my way back.

snowdrops are up - a true sign of approaching springtime. I can hear and feel movement among the branches in the reserve behind. the birds busy with thinking about nest building.. choosing a home among the branches. a perfect site for them to bring up a new family. my heart aches when I realize how much my family has changed over the past year - I feel myself forcing me back to the present, telling myself that this is also part of the wheel.. the wheel of life. I know that I will get through this.

springtime dew on the plants each morning. sometimes I pick parsley or endive still wet with dew - and drop the leaves into the pots or plates without washing - allowing this chi energy, to become part of my self. the whole concept is so deep. every mouthful of food I take into my body, becomes part of me. every single thing that has happened to the plant or animal during its own life, becomes part of me. the struggle to survive, the nutrients and minerals from the soil, the wind, the rain, the sun and yes, the fear of animals slaughtered or kept in inhumane ways. makes me think even deeper about how I eat.

I feel stirrings within my soul - excitement that I won't be living here for much longer. excitement that the world goes on whatever happens in my own. Earth will still be there for me - to walk upon, to be with. I make promises in my journal to try to stand upon earth each day - barefoot. just me and Mother Earth.

I did a little gardening today - first time out in the garden in weeks. my body soaked up the early spring sun as I planted daisies, foxgloves and parsley. knowing I am moving, makes it so much easier to be here.


she could never go back and make some of the details pretty.
All she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
Terri St.Cloud

who am i? & a slight change in plans - further on from my last post

you all know the story..but this is a question that i have been asking myself alot lately. being a wife and mother at such a young age - my home and family became my career. i loved it. I relished in it. i baked and cleaned with such happiness. gardening then came into the picture and i extended my life out into the yard. growing and sharing my produce. creating meals from the abundance of my garden. cooking cakes for afternoon teas when friends and family would drop by. family celebrations were a collection of noise and cheerfulness. laughter rang through my home. one by one my grand babies started to arrive.. I embraced this part of my life with such joy. I had my soul mate, my children and grandchildren around me..

and as you know from the last post - it seems to me that this is just all crumbling down around me.. I am sitting in the middle seeing it all scatter and there is nothing i can do - so I am beginning to wonder who I am.. I don't have any real outside interests that I am passionate about. now I know why so many older women take up lawn bowls.

also, the fact that my eldest daughter Louisa and her husband are moving away. soon.
at the moment they live just around the corner and I see my gorgeous grandsons, Harry and Charlie at least 3 or 4 times a week. it breaks my heart that this will no longer happen. I won't be able to just pop around for a cup of tea and play with them. I was at both their births and I am very bonded to the little boys. I love them to bits. I just keep crying and crying over this.

yes, we could move up to where they are going - but it is quite hot & humid and I know that this would do my head in over time. I do love the 4 seasons we get here in the mountains.


I grew up with my grandparents close by until they died. my own children have had the same.. and my grandsons are not going to have that. this makes me so sad. However, I know that they have dreams and plans and I do wish them well with all my heart. as hard as this is.
because part of me wants to scream 'please don't go'

also, thinking of moving from the mountains actually sent me into a real panic attack - I am a mountains girl. I love the beach, but the mountains is where my heart is.

Joe and i have sat and talked about what we were planning. it hit us both that we were moving from our much loved mountains - why?

we do not like Springwood at all & we still want to move away from this town. the energy is very odd here in this town. it has a kind of foreboding energy about it. neighbours don't wave. people walk past with their heads down. I do believe this could be an ancient energy. whatever it is, it makes me very uncomfortable and yes, sad..

so we have decided to move further up the mountains - close to where i can sit on a rock and look over the ancient land, where I walk and feel like I am home
oh yes, it will still be cold but the cold up there is welcoming - not like here where it seeps into my bones. a dead, dead cold.
it IS colder up the top of the mountain - but it is a vibrant cold. brings me alive! the community is vibrant and alternate and when I go there to shop, I feel embraced by the energy of it all. I feel part of it. sad thing is though - that we wanted to move there in the first place and decided on Springwood because our children lived there and they wanted us to be closer. a big lesson learned: don't make decisions on other peoples wishes!

my life is changing in huge, huge ways & as always happens - things will work out. they always do. it is patience that I have to learn. I also have to honour myself.. as a friend said to me: "Who are you? You are yourself - honour that" [but do you know, that I just don't know how to do that anymore]

(part of me wants to apologize for writing the past few posts, exposing my emotions but this is a journal of my thoughts - and these are my thoughts right now. I am sorry, i do tend to pour my heart out when I blog. too raw & open for some..)
.

sea changes

was it an omen when I changed my blog name a week or so ago?

life has been a whirlwind for me the past two years. I had a beautiful life for 12 years in a home that I loved, a garden that I adored, a family that seemed so settled. full of love. I had a vision of my future, growing old in the family home with my dear Joe, surrounded by children and grandchildren. tending my garden. living to a ripe old age. just like my own childhood had been. my grandchildren would come to visit and stay over. I would cook cakes and other treats for friends and family visits. I would wear a vintage apron and have a twinkle in my eye and a grey bun ontop of my head.

then a bomb was dropped into the nucleus of my family - in the way of my son & his wife separating [and consequently divorcing]
two of my grandsons became estranged. where i had them twice a week - I now see them hardly ever.

my son moved 12 hours away - to heal. mentally and emotionally.
a breast lump
death of my step father which culminated in moving my mother near to us into aged care.
then,
my eldest daughter announcing that she and her beautiful family are moving north...

all this ended up in what I call my mini breakdown.
Joe & I deciding to sell and move from our home of 12 years, Inglewood.
then renovating and then moving into our new home Villa Maria. phew - I need a breath!

I have been living under a heavy dark cloud the past year. like I was carrying a huge weight on my shoulders. .. a straw broke my back in the way of a very bad cold this past week & the fact that my daughter has decided to move NOW. I cried and cried. Joe held me as I sobbed. sorting out how I felt through my emotions. we talked and talked.

which has led to the decision, the big decision. to sell Villa Maria and move north. to the beach. to the warmth. buying something so much different to what we have here. smaller.

a place where I can still have a garden albeit small...a place near to the beach.

and as well - we have bought a Winnebago and are going to travel around Australia.

and you know? the weight has gone. I feel lighter. as if something huge has shifted... I have faced my fear of telling my mother we are moving away. I have found courage. the courage to be who I am. I feel like sewing again. I feel hope.

from my journal writings:
I have been in fear of change. of losing control. i am in shock but not at all sad. there is so much going on in my mind at the moment. like where I am going to end up. I have been very sick too. and am still not better. I had a stress test last week for my heart and am waiting the results. I hope and pray they are good. I know my lipoprotein a level is up and that is a big concern. this is where I get confused. do I take the medication that 'can' cause cancer but will help my levels or do I try to lower it with herbs and healthy eating. I wish I had an advisor who would make these decisions for me and a crystal ball to tell me the future

I have been quite sick the past week.
the dreaded winter illness finally caught up with me &
[that is why I have not been here or to visit elsewhere]
at times I have been delirious - coupled with the sadness that has enveloped me
- I have spent much time in bed. being nursed by my sweet Joe. I am blessed, truly, I am.
.

my boy & stuff

on the weekend, I flew down to see my only son. He is happy. very happy & he looks healthy too. I have not seen him look so well in years & years.
I was so looking forward to the trip - to see him again - but it was such a short visit and it has left me with a huge hole in my heart. I just feel like sobbing. I know that i am supposed to let my babies fly - I know, I know. but I miss having him near. I feel like curling up in a little ball and just letting the tears fall.. but I don't. I try to act like the adult, the mature woman that I am.. instead of the lost little girl that I feel like.

I don't know what is the matter with me. am I manic depressive? am I suffering from empty nest syndrome? Joe retired last year and we moved - so many life changing things in such a short period of time. I feel so lost. I cannot for the life of me create a thing. I want to.. but don't know where to start. I cannot even force myself out into the garden. I don't walk nor do I feel connected to Mother Earth one little bit. the woman who looks back at me in the mirror is a stranger. these words are spilling from my heart - not looking for sympathy but just to get them out in a hope that maybe one person will say 'yep, I know exactly how you feel.. and hey, you are ok'......

celebrating 60years ~ Happy birthday Joe

today. Joe turns 60. the man who God sent to me. one who supports my journey, encourages me and has the patience of a saint.

last saturday night - I gave him a suprise party with a few close friends. it was tricky organising it and keeping it secret. but I did and he was surprised. all orange and black - the colour of Harley Davidsons [one of his loves].. cupcakes & balloons.

I don't think there is one person in the whole world who is not touched by this mans kindness. he has a heart of gold.

I. Love. Him. so very much.

making peace

I took a walk outside this morning. windy. actually very windy. once upon a time in our backyard there must have been a big tree. all that is left is a stump and each winter, [well, the two winters that I have been here] these little snow drops pop up.. and I saw the stump where Joe has started to try to dig it out. a heart. !! all is well in my world here at Villa Maria. the stump will stay just as it is.. maybe with some intitials carved into it. I have never visited the Kimberleys.. all I know is it is up the top of west Australia. an ancient, ancient area.. where powerful Ley lines run.. ley lines that actually run through where I live.. connected to Glastonbury. It is a similar place I believe to Uluru and Kata Tjuta where I visited last year.

Red. Wise. Ancient. energies.

it is along way from where I live - not much I can do physically.
it would be easy for me to slip into despondency and helplessness..
I can't go to protest although I would love to.
But I can send healing to Mother Earth once again.. join me
&
I can create a peace flag. I have an idea using wax, fabric and natural dyes.. just an idea but

from little things, big things grow...

I am a school girl dropout

last week was a whirlwind affair for me. I woke on Monday morning.. [as you know from my previous post] and that afternoon I was enrolled in college. previously I had enquired about weekend workshops about shamanic masks & art therapy - the college called and offered me a place in a two year part time Diploma of Art Therapy. I had all manner of excuses why I couldn't do it.. but they dissolved, I signed the papers and proceeded to write a 600 word essay about myself.
Day one dawned yesterday, my bag packed and excitement hitting overflowing point, I drove the hour to the college.
we sat in circle, introduced ourselves and proceeded to discuss 'consciousness' - that is when I realised that this course was not for me. their 'ethos' did not match alot of mine... that is when I realised that I am totally and 100% committed to healing Earth. that is when it was mentioned or referred to that we are separate from Earth. huh ???? and Angels were passed off as airy-fairy... that is when I realised that I want to meditate and do stuff like yoga - just for me. to bring my vibrational level into the same as Gaia. that is when I realized that we are in a special time & we need to be ONE.

the day went on and I became overburdened with information til my head felt like it was splitting in two. then I had to face over an hours drive home in full peak hour traffic.
tears spilled as I drove the roads back home. just wanting to be in my safe little home of Villa Maria...
so here I am.. a school girl dropout at age 53. and damn happy about that too!

fun, tattered jeans and peace is all I want from life.. is that too little to ask?

my yesterday

what I am doing:
I am struggling. with who I am. but that's ok.. i just have to work it through. I mean, I know who i am really.. just not at the moment.
I am still taking part in the You are Your Own Muse with Vivienne McMaster and have a wonderful time taking photos of self.. as you can see above
I am also working through a workshop with Andrea Schroeder - Creative Journal Magick.. oh and boy, am I struggling with that.. being creative.. this year in my journal, I have created only 5 pages.. not sure why.. the Muse went on holidays when I moved in here..and now the gremlins and saboteur are in full force.. constantly telling me that : "this whole thing is pointless, and stupid and that I should be a grown-up and go do important things." ~ makes me cry sometimes because I so, so want to create..
today: I wash & clean the bathroom... that is very important stuff to do.. and then this afternoon.. I create magick in my journal. I have committed and promised myself at least 1/2 hour a day just for that.. oh and then there is the self portraits.. and that is fun!!

the turning point

Winter Solstice ~ the turning point of Winter

Spirit that is within,
be with me now as the Sun returns to the world
with the passage of this, the longest night.
This turn of the wheel brings the renewal of light and life without,
so be it within
winter solstice dawned a beautiful blue clear sky.. by mid afternoon - it was blowing a gale coming off icy snow somewhere out west. so my plans to meditate at Katoomba were thwarted..
the garden here at Villa Maria is abundant - lots of mustard greens, chicory & curly endive. .. and oranges.


picked daily - still cold from the brisk morning frost - dripping with sunshine
and mustard greens - shredded and waiting to be lightly steamed - then served with Guinness and Beef Casserole - a Daisy recipe.

and trying to coax the magick into my garden at Villa Maria and some sunshine into my soul.

Postcards..not from Paradise.. but from Winter Magic

yesterday - Joe & I went to the Winter Magic Festival in Katoomba. a yearly gathering of people celebrating winter solstice in a way that only people in Katoomba can do! first of all we enjoyed breakfast at our favourite cafe - The Hattery.. Italian style scrambled eggs with sauted mushrooms and a Chai Latte to drink..I had ribbons tied in my hair and wore patchouli oil. Crystals around my neck and off I went..

shop windows are decorated - in all manner of styles


a day of music & busking...

colour & art

some wore hats. some wore masks. some wore wings....

others just followed their passion..

people had their say..peacefully.
taking part in the parade....

in the spirit of what makes this place so special. Katoomba is a power spot for me. I come alive when I am there. the air is crisp and clear.

a day just for the people

and little people

sometimes, it was just good to rest and watch the world go by..

and of course - Lord & Lady Winter made an appearance - as they do each year..